How Santa Got Clean
Santa Gets Clean
How Santa got clean
*Santa Gets Clean
* * I am an addict; my name is Nicholas. You can call
me Nick for short.* I always knew I was different from
other kids in my neighborhood. See, I was born with this
beard, and instead of having a dog like the other guys,
I had reindeers for pets.
** * Most kids like to get things, but I always gave,
whatever I had. That* made me happy and I hoped
people would like me. My mother always told* me,
"Don't worry, someday people will look up to you."
** * But I was lonely, with no one to talk to except the
reindeer. I had problems going to sleep at night when
I was in high school, just tossing and turning and
thinking about my future. That's when I discovered that
a little glass of wine at night would help me sleep.
** * Soon I was sleeping real good, but after a while I
needed more than just* a little glass; I needed a big
glass to produce that blessed sleep.
** * Things continued like that for a while. I functioned
fine during the day, but nights were a different story.
That's when the wine took over.
** * During this time, I got a job, and I really, really liked
it. I was helping this old guy deliver toys and presents on
Christmas. This fit* right in for me, because I always liked
to give and now I could do it professionally, and people
would like me more.
** * I didn't have a car or a truck but I could use that
big old sleigh that was out back in the barn. I could
even have my friends the reindeer pull it. I was sleeping
better, so I stopped using at night. Everything was going
great. I even met the Mrs. Her name is Sara -- what
a wonderful woman.
** * She made cookies and candies for me to bring with the
toys on Christmas.* Life was great until the old man died.
There went the job. But Sara said, "Why not continue?
You do a good job, you know what you're doing."
* * So I kept doing what I loved best -- delivering presents
** * But during the slow season I was bored, so I started
hitting the eggnog and the fruitcake that Sara made
(it had all that delicious brandy in it). Guess what? Sara
started to change. She began to nag: "You never do things
around the house anymore." She even had the nerve to
hint that I was slightly intoxicated sometimes.
** * I worked so hard, I figured I deserved all the enjoyment
I could get. What harm could a little eggnog do, or a couple
of lines with the local elves?
** * Then the reindeer began giving me trouble. They were
annoyed because I had gotten lost one Christmas eve. It
had nothing to do with the fact that I'd had several hot
toddies during the trip. It was all that snow -- anyone
would have gotten lost.
** * So I got myself a new reindeer to lead them, a guy with a
bright red* nose.* He could set his radar and get us anywhere,
and I could continue doing my thing with no problem.
** * That is, until one night I got pulled over by a state trooper.
I told him who I was and he said, "Sure you are," and charged
me with driving while intoxicated.
** * Things were getting most unpleasant. I was mixing up the
toy lists. My wife wasn't talking to me. The reindeer weren't
happy. My head hurt every morning. And I was having problems
parking the sleigh on rooftops.* I even tried the geographic
cure -- we moved to the North Pole. But things didn't change.
** * Then one Christmas Eve, in my usual stupor, I parked
sideways on this one roof and I had a terrible time getting
down the chimney. In fact, I went headfirst, and now I
really needed a drink.
** * So when I got into this house, I started looking around
for some booze. But there was nothing, just those rotten
cookies and a glass of milk. How I hated the taste of milk
by that time.
** * Couldn't someone take pity on me and leave me a nice
hot toddy with rum! * After all, it was so cold out there in
the sleigh. I guess I was banging around and making too
much noise, because I woke up this guy.
** * He came downstairs and asked if he could help me.
* * "Help me? Sure. Where do you keep the booze -- I need a drink."
** * The guy said there wasn't any because he didn't use. I
wondered what* kind of a person I was dealing with.
He must be a real nut.
** * Then he started to tell me that he had used in the past but
it caused him so many problems that he didn't use anymore.
I was interested in that. I wanted him to give me his magic
formula and he said it was simple.
** * "I don't use one day at a time."
** * He also said, "I go to meetings, I keep it simple, I read the
Basic Text, I carry the message -- and that's how I stay clean."
** * At that point I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired,
I was willing to try anything. I wasn't sure if there was a
meeting at the North Pole, but this guy told me I could start one.
** * Before I left, the guy gave me a book which he referred to
as the Basic Text. This was my first present -- I had always
been the giver and never let anyone give me anything. I asked
him to write something in the book for me, and this is what he wrote:
** * Dear Nicholas,
** * Merry Christmas!
** * Your friend,
** * Jimmy K.
** * And that's how Santa got clean. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a