Yep...fellow bleck sheep here.
Thank God I came to NA and found the rest of the frickin' flock.
But I can relate.
But I do know that my defects of character re-enforce each other,and at the end I feel justified in my behavior.But then the justifying leads to rationalizing,and eventually I get guilt,shame,and low self worth.
Addicts and resentment do not mix.resentment is the number one offender and that we cannot survive if we continue to hold onto resentments.The more they keep us awake,the less personal responsibility we have.
There is an old Zen story about two monks who meet up with a woman in their travels, and one of the monks helps her across a river, even though they are not supposed to touch females. Later that night, one of the two monks suddenly bursts into anger at the other one, exclaiming that he should not have carried the woman across the river. The monk replied: “Perhaps I shouldn’t have….but you are still carrying her.” lol
This is resentment: hanging onto anger. You can imagine that the monk was astonished by his friend who had carried the woman, and he stewed about it all day long. Resentment is self-torture. Perhaps the anger is justified, or perhaps it is not–it really makes no difference. The mental torment of carrying it with you all day is unnecessary.It is insanity.
The word resentment comes from the Latin word "sentire" which means, "to feel", and when you put "re" in front of any word, it means "again", so the word resent means "to feel again". It includes people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry, with whom we were hurt or threatened or interfered with, with whom we felt had wronged us, with whom we stayed sore at, with whom we felt "burned up" toward, and with whom we held a grudge.
I would like to add the following as well: People, institutions or principles which we are annoyed with, agitated by, or let down by; and I also like to suggest that this includes our regrets [from "gratan", to weep, i.e., to weep again] because regret is resentment toward ourself.
I always thought that resentment was reasonable, acceptable, and almost fun at times. Resentment became a way of life for me because it seemed like I had problems with or was annoyed by most of the people, institutions or principles I knew.
A few weeks ago I came across something about resenting someone and it appears to have been written anonymously. No matter if your resentments are a thing of the past or you presently are where I am, these words should convince all of us that a resentment, any resentment big or small is just not worth it. Here it is:
“The moment you start to resent a person, you become his slave. He controls your dreams, absorbs your digestion, robs you of your peace of mind and goodwill, and takes away the pleasure of your work. He ruins your religion and nullifies your prayers. You cannot take a vacation without his going along. He destroys your freedom of mind and hounds you wherever you go. There is no way to escape the person you resent. He is with you when you are awake. He invades your privacy when you sleep. He is close beside you when you drive your car and when you are on the job. You can never have efficiency or happiness. He influences even the tone of your voice. He requires you to take medicine for indigestion, headaches, and loss of energy. He even steals you last moment of consciousness before you go to sleep. So—if you want to be a slave—harbor your resentments!”
Wow! How true is this? Can’t you just feel it? The “activity” this week is to look at today and see if you still have any resentments that you have not reconciled in some way. Write them. Share them. Just being able to tell all of you that I am harboring a resentment right now has helped to ease my heart and mind. Of course I still have a lot of work to do but thanks! I feel so much better.Dam
Allot gets hidden in our literature.
Recognizing And Releasing Resentments
"We want to look our past in the face, see it for what it really was, and release it so we can live today."
Basic Text p. 28
Many of us had trouble identifying our resentments when we were new in recovery. There we sat with our Fourth Step in front of us, thinking and thinking, finally deciding that we just didn't have any resentments. Perhaps we talked ourselves into believing that we weren't so sick after all.
Such unwitting denial of our resentments stems from the conditioning of our addiction. Most of our feelings were buried, and buried deep. After some time in recovery, a new sense of understanding develops. Our most deeply buried feelings begin to surface, and those resentments we thought we didn't have suddenly emerge.
As we examine these resentments, we may feel tempted to hold onto some of them, especially if we think they are "justified." But what we need to remember is that "justified" resentments are just as burdensome as any other resentment.
As our awareness of our liabilities grows, so does our responsibility to let go. We no longer need to hang on to our resentments. We want to rid ourselves of what's undesirable and set ourselves free to recover.
Just for today: When I discover a resentment, I'll see it for what it is and let it go.
Pray about it.